Parkinson's And Aging

It will soon be my birthday and I grow old. Parkinson’s physically aged me and Parkinson’s makes me feel mentally even older. I

grow old and I do wear my trousers rolled. Do I dare to walk upon the beach? Are you kidding. I have enough trouble going from my bed to the bathroom at night. The mermaids, aah yes the lovely mermaids, they still sing their alluring song to me but it is much too much effort to respond. We age. We grow old. Look back, picture yourself young, so innocent and eager to live, not realizing what it meant to be 8, and 15, and 21 and even 30 and 40. Look how fresh and young and beautiful I was and look at me now. The years went by so quickly, the nights were slow. I remember times that were before, people and places that are no more. I didn’t fully understand or appreciate anything as it was happening. I took things for granted but now looking back I realize it was everything. 

 I was so young, innocent and unformed. So much was yet to happen. More than I could have imagined. Life happened. Parkinson’s happened and nine years living with PD has aged me beyond my years. I am thankful though for the wonder and depth of my life and most of all for my three children. I have three. The birth of each one taught me the miracle of life and changed me forever. Now my children have children. I love being a grandfather. Seeing my grandchildren and playing with them makes me feel younger but Parkinson’s limits how I can be with them and soon, too soon, I will not be here to enjoy them. 

I am at a delicate balance point, thinking equally about my past and considering the future. I can either stabilize and enjoy the rest of my life or continue down the path of Parkinson’s progression until … I don’t want to think about it. I’ve seen friends with fully progressed PD and it isn’t pretty. Parkinson’s prevents me from standing straight and sometimes from being able to get up and stand at all. Shaking, bent over, and stumbling with PD. Parkinson’s is a price we pay for life. Do people fade away as they age or is it life that fades away? I disconnect from my surroundings and appreciate solitude more and more. The world left me behind and without really meaning to I left it. The future becomes the present then slowly but too quickly fades into the past as it dims in memory and then is gone.