Parkinson's And Falling

I fell last night and hurt myself but the pain was secondary to the despair, this is my future, this is what I am in for from now on. I can’t live like this. I tried to get up but couldn’t. It wasn’t the shock, it wasn’t the pain, it was the despair, the immediate and overwhelming despair that got me. The realization that despite all my effort there is nothing I can do to prevent the advance of Parkinson’s. Its got me now and going to get me in the end.

Luckily it happened at home so I could lie on the floor until I was ready to try to get up. First push up on one elbow and come to a sitting position. Good plan but

can’t do it so stay on floor some more. That feels better. The house is nice and warm and as long as I don’t try to move it’s not too bad. Maybe I’ll just sleep here and try to get up again in the morning.

Once up comes the examination. Is anything broken, fractured, or only bruised. Need an X-ray to tell but I don’t want to go to the hospital or call a doctor. The genius of the invention of the advice nurse is that if I am only talking to an advice nurse I still have hope that everything is all right. Phoning is too much trouble. I’ll just wait for the morning to see how I feel.

Next morning. Three screams of pain to get out of bed. Why is everything so difficult: getting out of bed, putting clothes on, making breakfast, cleaning up, brushing teeth. Too hard so just go back to bed. Only two screams to get back in bed. First sneeze and spend the next two weeks praying I don’t cough, sneeze, or laugh again. The good news is I made it through the day. According to the internet only six to eight weeks to go. 

Four days later still in pain. All those speeches about fighting PD — we shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender — just went out the window. When young, most injuries are only temporary setbacks that you can recover and often improve from. When older, every injury seems to leave it’s mark. Suddenly late in the day there was a slight but noticeable easing of pain that gave me hope and so I decided to try to sweep and mop the floor to celebrate and then went back too bed.

Next day my daughter called. Dad how are you? Ok. What’s wrong Dad? Nothing. Did you hurt yourself? Just a little. Dad did you fall? How did she know, how the heck did she know? Ok, it all comes out and from then on the constant concern and support of my family helps me feel better.

A week later. Bed is still my favorite place. If only getting in and out wasn’t so painful. Supposed to go out with a group tonight. To go or not to go that is the question. Painful night out but I feel better for having gone. Being in a social situation took my mind off it. Celebrate next day by cleaning the bathroom. 

Two weeks later. Go to another social event. Again feel better. Social situations and having to relate to people seems to take my mind off the pain and make me act as if I am ok. This time I do the laundry and dust the furniture.

About four weeks later. Still hurt but mostly ok. What did I learn from the fall? Obviously to be more careful, not to walk backwards and not to spin around when turning but to walk in a large half circle. More importantly, that my Parkinson’s progressed and has gotten worse and that I need to do more to fight it, that I am very lucky to have family and friends who care, and I realize that blogging helps me deal with PD. Writing about my problems makes me see them with the other eye and distance them.

I can write about falling and how despair slowly dissolves and becomes hope. I’ll call it The Fall or maybe Falling and start by saying I fell last night and badly hurt myself. No, badly is too dramatic. I fell last night and hurt myself, but the pain was secondary to …