Parkinson's Birthday 2018

I know, I know I posted this last year for my birthday but another year passed and another birthday is here. My Parkinson’s progressed this year so I added a short update. Maybe I will update and post this each year on my birthday as a way taking stock.

And so it’s my birthday. Happy birthday to me. Another year older and I’ve lived another year with Parkinson’s. At first I thought I could handle it but sometimes it has its way with me and developed a little faster than I would have liked. At those times I don’t have Parkinson’s, it has me. So I shake a little more and I’m having some problems with balance. It could be worse. Happy three quarters of a century plus two to me. 

Parkinson’s is my new normal. To see me is to know I have PD. In 20118 my symptoms (tremor and balance) became noticeably worse. It is harder to accomplish simple daily tasks (bathing, dressing, cooking, cleaning) and some days are pure misery. My comfort zone and world are shrinking. I don’’t want to travel and hesitate to take even short day trips. I am less comfortable being with people who don’t have PD and more at ease with people who do. I stopped caring how I look as long as I am clean and have my clothes on more or less right. I have given up trying to still be who I was and am instead trying to understand what I have become. And yet, somehow I am okay. I am doing the daily necessary and enjoy interacting with people and being alive.  

PD is seen as a physical disease, defined as a movement disorder, but it really is a fight for the control of the mind and emotions. A healthy mind is the greatest asset in fighting the disease. It helps me accept the reality of what is, neither making more of the disease nor less. I will probably lose the physical battle with PD even though I exercise every day but I am not giving up the fight for my mind and emotional well being.

I don’t know if I should credit PD or thank aging or both or neither but I now care less about what others think of me. Anger, bitterness, and resentment about things that happened to me in the past is gone but I don’t think I will ever get over the harm I’ve caused others, the wrongs I did to people. Most of my failures and missed opportunities no longer matter. It no longer gnaws at me and there is no one to blame. I am mellowing as I age and don’t worry about what I don’t have. I’m more thankful for what I do have. I accept the reality of what is, neither sugarcoating what is nor wanting what isn’t.

I am at a delicate balance point, thinking equally about the past and considering my future. Life changes in an instant. So many people here one day and now gone. Appreciate what you have while you still have it. Don’t take anything for granted. I no longer rush through things trying to get to next. I relax more into the now of what I am doing. I have no idea how much time I have left so I have no intention of rushing through it.

Life is what happens when you are with other people. Thank you to my family. You are what I care about most in life. Thank you to friends. We had wonderful times and you made life more interesting and enjoyable. Thank you to those I loved and those who loved me. You made life special. I still see of each of you in the glow of the unique light that love bathes a person in.

The sense of me being old seems odd to my children just as it does to me. I know they are troubled by how they see me: Parkinson’s, doctors, meds, slightly stooped, head hanging down, wobbles when walks. What happened to their father the now diminished giant who had once been so important in their lives? Where did the moment of his greatness go? Healthy and vibrant, then like a switch thrown in the dark of night so you can’t see what’s coming you find yourself on the other side suddenly old. Life changes in an instant and the world continues without us.

Let’s sing the song. Happy birthday to you. All things must pass. Happy birthday to you. All things must pass someday. Happy birthday dear Peter. The future becomes the present and slowly but too quickly fades into the past. Happy birthday to you. Time doesn’t pass, People pass and in time become only a memory. So make a wish and blow all the candles out and maybe, just maybe, your wish will come true.