And so it’s my birthday. Happy birthday to me. I am 78 years old. Happy three quarters of a century plus three to me. The world has changed. Colors are different, sounds are different, the landscape changed, and people are different. I don’t understand a lot of what I see and I feel different. Not old, just different. I’ve been through a lot. I mean this as a statement of fact not a complaint although I have suffered my share of slings and arrows, Parkinson’s being the latest and now my new normal. To see me is to know I have PD. At first I thought I could handle it but sometimes it has its way with me and developed a little faster than I would have liked. At those times I don’t have Parkinson’s, it has me. So I shake a little more and I’m having some problems with balance. The real change though is in the every day ordinary. It is harder to accomplish the simple daily tasks of bathing, dressing, cooking, cleaning. It seems like much of my time is spent negotiating the mechanics of the ordinary. And yet somehow I am okay. I do the daily necessary, enjoy being with family and friends, and appreciate being alive.
PD is seen as a physical disease, defined as a movement disorder, but it really is a fight for the control of the mind and emotions. A healthy mind is the greatest asset in fighting the disease. It helps me accept the reality of what is, neither making more of the disease nor less. I will probably lose the physical battle with PD even though I exercise every day but I am not giving up the fight for my mind and emotional well being. I am a proud member of the Parkinson’s community.
I don’t know if I should credit PD or thank aging or both or neither but I now care less about what others think of me. Anger, bitterness, and resentment about things that happened to me in the past is gone but I don’t think I will ever get over the harm I’ve caused others, the wrongs I did to people. Most of my failures and missed opportunities no longer matter. It no longer gnaws at me and there is no one to blame. I am mellowing as I age and don’t worry about what I don’t have. I’m more thankful for what I do have. I accept the reality of what is, neither sugarcoating what is nor wanting what isn’t.
I am at a delicate balance point, thinking equally about the past and considering my future. I have given up trying to still be who I was and am instead trying to understand what I have become. Life changes in an instant. So many people here one day and now gone. Appreciate what you have while you still have it. Don’t take anything for granted. I no longer rush through things trying to get to next. I relax more into the now of what I am doing. I have no idea how much time I have left so I have no intention of rushing through it.
Life is what happens when you are with other people. Thank you to my family. You are what I care about most in life. Thank you to friends. We had wonderful times and you made life more interesting and enjoyable. Thank you to those I loved and those who loved me. You made life special. I still see of each of you in the glow of the unique light that love bathes a person in.
The sense of me being old seems odd to my children just as it does to me. I know they are troubled by how they see me: Parkinson’s, doctors, meds, slightly stooped, head hanging down, wobbles when walks. What happened to their father the now diminished giant who had once been so important in their lives? Where did the moment of his greatness go? Healthy and vibrant, then like a switch thrown in the dead of night you find yourself on the other side suddenly old. Life changes in an instant and the world continues without you.
Let’s sing the song. Happy birthday to you. All things must pass. Happy birthday to you. All things must pass someday. Happy birthday dear Peter. The future becomes the present and slowly but too quickly fades into the past. Happy birthday to you. Time doesn’t pass, People pass and in time become only a memory. So make a wish and blow all the candles out and maybe, just maybe, your wish will come true.
